Today at nurture we talked about our fears as parents, things we worry about for our kids and families. Our church’s junior high pastor is the one who lead the discussion today and he shared a bit of advice, something i have found myself telling a lot of fellow wives lately. its one of those pieces of advice that we can apply to our children but that we can also apply to our entire lives. so what was the advice.. well here it is in a bit of long form.
We often get hung up on an individual’s behaviors, we are shocked and angered and hurt when our 13 year old daughter is having sex, or 16 year old son his doing drugs and getting drunk with his buddy, we are saddened when our children rebel and appalled when a husband or wife has an affair. And not to diminish the behavior, because yes the behaviors or bad but they are the result of a large issue. that 13yr old is looking for validation that she is loveable, the 16year is stressed about school, sports, family and is looking for a way to escape for a little while. that husband or wife may be felling trapped and needs to escape a little while, forget his or her problems.
so how should we react? We need to address the behavior yes but if we don’t address and fix the root, if we don’t look at the real problem then the behavior may change for a little while, but it will come around again. maybe in a different behavior maybe the same but it will find its way up again.
So we need to stop focusing on the behavior itself and focus more on the why… i know harder said than done but i have been living this advice for the last week and 1/2 and i have to tell you its freeing. I have moments of anger but that is part of the process, overall though i have a new attitude, a new piece, and a new trust in the possibility of change the possability of deeper and healthier realtionships both with my kids and husband.