Its been 6 months since I updated my blog. I can’t really put into words why that is. I look through my journal for the last few months and I can tell you there is not tangible reason for it except the one we all know to well “busyness”. But it’s not really busyness that has kept me away I feel like my world is in the process of being hijacked. I don’t know for what purpose yet but I know despite that I feel busy my calendar is not as jam-packed as we have started saying No to lots. we did 1 birthday party not 2, we did family time last weekend not parties, we did 1 easter this year, and we celebrated christmas at home not driving all around the county to see every possible relative. I have even set aside a good portion of my homeschooling ambitions this year and we have settled on one more year of Harvey home full-time before we begin what we hope will be a hybrid journey. (more on that another day) It feels good when I look at the calendar and I know that the exhaustion I feel has nothing to do with “busyness”. On the other hand the exhaustion is real and has no tangibleness to it, at least not yet anyway. Let me try to explain, bear with me, this is probably just as much for my own processing purposes if not more than to really share what is going on in our family for those of you who love is; because to be honest like I said there is no tangibleness to it.
So when Tyler and I first got together some 7 years ago we met because we were both signed up and excited to go on a missions trip to Scotland both for different reasons both on different paths prior but both knowing that we felt a call to a post christian culture. That has been a big part of our lives ever since. We regularly reevaluate the calling, pray on it, ask God what he wants us to do with it. We have applied for missions organizations researched others but God always shutting doors. and Shutting them for good reason I might add. one year it was about us learning to depend on him financially, that was a big and awesome year, I’d say contender for both the hardest year and the most rewarding. One year it was about stripping us of what we thought our life and marriage were to look like and rebuilding it wiping away the things we had corrupted his plan with. One year it was just about focusing inward on us and our children. In 7 years we’ve had all kinds of seasons and I’m pretty sure if I wrote a list of exactly every season we have been through i could in 20/20 see how that season has built us for a future calling.
So anyway with that in mind as we’ve gone through our season we have slowly shed and changed things about ourselves and our walk. We are slowly learning what is to be christ-like. I’ve heard said changes be called counter cultural and I like that description of them, it is more than fitting and I feel the tension of that in a good way.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well it feels as though we are getting close to that calling, I know ultimately God will always be working and we will probably repeat some of the said seasons but for the first time in a long time we are wrestling with a tension we both agree means God is calling us into something we just aren’t sure what yet. We have been talking to through the same things we have always talked through about being a christian in a post-christian culture, we have talked through the church and religion and community and where God is in this things. We have talked through our beliefs and how we act upon them cause let’s be honest our actions say more than our beliefs themselves. We are soaking in every scripture, every prayer, and every sermon, and every book we can get our hands on that might give us a glimpse of clarity in this season. To some degree we have pulled inward as it all feels a little overwhelming, the tension is strong and with no clear vision of what to do with it we are struggling.
As you can see I haven’t even described what it is we have been sitting in the tension of. That’s where the exhaustion comes in. We are convicted on blessing the bless, and convicted on calling things ours. We are struggling with the ministries and the church we are involved in and how the fit into what God is calling us to. We want to live a surrendered life a life where we are washing the feet of the people God puts before us. We want a life that is not about us but about him. and the tension of doing that in a culture that is self-centered is hard and overwhelming and well scary at times. We don’t want to defend our faith but at times we feel like we have to defend God’s work in our lives. There is this sense of letting go of control where the spirit is slowly hijacking us. we are willing but still unsure and as such are slightly reluctant.
A line you hear a lot in our house right now is “It’s not about you it’s about me[him]”. It became a regular line about a month ago but really its been the theme since september. Twice now since september i have done something thinking it was about me getting something for me. the first i returned to a bible study I love but had taken a break from and the second i went on a woman’s retreat with my church. I joined the bible study for 100% selfish reasons i wanted to drop my kids for 2.5 hours in an awesome childcare program while I got to chit-chat with friends. I promise that was my sole reason for joining but I hadn’t been there more than a month when a speaker spoke on this idea of all of us having a friday moment (RE:Good Friday) when you realize Jesus didn’t come with a promise you thought he had and i shared my story of our marriage and a week later God called me out and said use it to help someone else. SLAP!!!! Sherrie you are not in this bible study to chit-chat and have a good time you are here because someone needs to hear your story of God rebuilding a marriage. Sherrie it is not about you it’s about me! Then in March i went to the retreat as a prego mama with 3 small children I’m tired. I am desperate for me time and i couldn’t wait to go, to sleep and rest in his quiet and hear awesome speakers and be filled up with truth and have my world shocked. well my world was shocked alright nothing resonated, i got oh 20 min to myself (I Timed it). By Saturday night i was in tears the weekend was over and i had in no way soaked up any of him or been filled and i needed to be up early to return to the real world. I was heart-broken I cried to my husband on the phone as i told him how i missed the quiet reserved indiv time because i prayed with a friend instead and i told him how i didn’t get a nap because i was talking with a first time mom about mommyness and trusting God. I told him all about how sad i was i missed an early ride home and instead prayed with 2 other girls. I was a mess and bless his heart he kept his mouth shut til i got home. I got home the next morning still crying about my ruined weekend only to sit in church and have it hit me…. Sherrie this weekend wasn’t about you: you are right the message didn’t resonate because it wasn’t about you, it was about me. It was about you praying with my beloved daughters. It was about you writing prayers in journals that blessed the woman who received them. It was about you speaking truth and encouragement into my sheep. It wasn’t about you, I am enough for you you can live on my strength this weekend was about you doing my work. SLAP!!!! let’s just say my husband laughed when I told him what I heard God say in church as he told me what he bit his tongue on saturday night and as I repeated back what I had just been saying thursday before I left for the retreat.
and so its our theme that we are embracing…. It’s not about us it’s about him. and so here we sit in the tension of living that out, living out what it means to life a life hijacked by the spirit, where we surrender to his will all the time. we are asking big questions of ourselves and feeling the exhaustion of daily surrendering our wants, our entitlements, our needs in order to feed his people, love his people, live for him. We don’t know totally what he is calling us to or what it is we are supposed to do with this ultimately if anything. but we do know that for right now in this season our mission is to let him hijack our moments for his glory and so we are trying.